Dear Rex

Dear Rex,

Today, April 19th is your due date. It’s a beautiful, sunny Colorado day. I love that all three of my boys were born in CO and in the same hospital. It hasn’t been an easy week. I’ve been imagining how this week would have been. I wish I was huge and uncomfortable and pregnant, headed to the hospital to kiss you big chubby cheeks. I actually really love labor and delivery. I wish we were getting a family picture with you and your brothers today. Back in November before you were born, I had Nordstroms convert my bra into a nursing bra in anticipation of your arrival today and I got it out today and I’m wearing it. I wish instead of packing away your rock and play and the new carseat/nursing cover I bought, I was getting it all out for you. I wish I could hold you again and see your sweet body. I wish I could have seen you smile, watched you grow and tucked you in every night. I cherish the kicks I felt when you were in my belly. I didn’t realize at the time how precious those kicks would be to me. I can’t tell you how happy I was when they told me you were a boy. I look back at our list of names and Rex isn’t on there. It took us a few minutes to find your name but it’s perfect. Mac’s make a wish trip to Disneyland is the only vacation all 5 of us have been on together. Your name came to me from “Rex” on Toy Story. You and your name just bring a smile to my face. I can feel your sweet, tender and light-hearted spirit. I’ve got a little collection of mementoes just for you. I sleep with my Rex blanket every night. I’ve come to realize that even though I don’t get to physically hold you today, you and I are closer than ever.

You are the most selfless member of our family. We needed you, just not in the way I imagined. We needed you in an eternal way. That’s why our knowledge that families can be together forever is so powerful. This is a short time that we have to be without you, and then we’ll have forever to be together and for you to play with your brothers.  You’ve brought me comfort in a way that no one else could. As I watch Mac fight brain cancer, I get really scared of him passing away. I know that you will be waiting for each one of us as we leave this mortal life. It takes a very special person to be the first of our family waiting on the other side. I’ve felt the bond you have with Mac especially, and thank you for being his angel. Thank you for your amazing strength, courage and eternal perspective. You have changed my life. You made me stronger. You brought me clarity and determination to live with purpose. I wake up every day with a fire and a passion because of you. I will keep the gospel at the center of my heart and my home. I used to be scared of death. You gave me an invaluable testimony that I don’t have to be scared. Our Savior Jesus Christ makes all of our earthly trials ok. I overcame my fear of cremation. You have blessed me with so much faith. Just yesterday I read in the scriptures, “… and that he breaketh the bands of death, that the grave shall have no victory, and that the sting of death should be swallowed up in the hopes of glory”.  After your delivery I realized how precious life is and vowed to live the healthiest, happiest life I could. I’ve been eating healthy, making better choices and working out every day. All because of you. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for you my sweet Rex.

I hope I make you proud. Nothing will keep me from being with you again. Thank you for seeing what our family needed. It makes me smile to think that you don’t have to experience any earthly trials. You are so special. We are a family of 5 and I am a boy mom. I hope our family will grow. Maybe you will be the middle child. Please continue to be with me always. I miss you. I remember the day I delivered you like it was yesterday. So many emotions but I could feel you there with us.  I know you told me, “mom, don’t think about the could’ve beens, think about the will be-s.”  When I start missing you and getting sad, I go back to that and I focus on what will be. I know that we will have forever to be together and I hope you know how excited I am for that. You also told me, “mom, don’t worry, you’ll know me right away”. Thank you for comforting me and being with me that day, today and always.

You are the most precious gift and I’m grateful for you every single day. I love you with all my heart.

Love, Mom