Happy Birthday Mac

What an incredible 5 years it has been. As I collected these pictures, I couldn’t believe all that we’ve been through. Thank you for making me a mother. When I was pregnant with you, I had SO many doubts about my ability to be a mother. 5 years later, I’ve found that being a mother feels like a calling made just for me. Not because it’s easy or because I’m good at it, but because I love it. I have grown in so many ways because of you and your brothers. I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago. I am more patient, less intense, more friendly, and more faithful. I learn so much from being your mom.

I think what I admire most about YOU is your perseverance. I’ve been by your side your entire life and even I have no idea all that you have endured. My heart broke as I looked at the pictures pre-AML and pre-brain cancer when you had cancer but we didn’t know it yet. The bruises, asymmetry, tired eyes, they all look so obvious in hind-sight. You continue to persevere through so much. You never complain. You take it all one day at a time. You take your chemo and medicine without fuss. You teach me grace and understanding. I want you to know that I never forget that you are fighting. It’s easy to look at your smile and positive attitude and forget. To forget that you have brain cancer. To forget the life you’ve been living for 5 years. I don’t expect you to be like anyone else and I pray that I will give you the grace you deserve for everything, especially the things I don’t know that you face. Within the last month, I’ve witness your body telling me that you don’t feel well. When you ask to lay on the couch I have to turn around to shed a tear. Once YOU say something, I know it’s pretty serious. Your bumps that cover your arms and legs are getting worse but you tell me they don’t hurt. I know it’s so hard for you to sleep. Most kids have had the same sleeping routine, in the same bed/house since they were little. You’ve lived in the hospital multiple times for multiple months and in many different houses in different states. Please forgive me for nights that I have been less than patient with you. I’m sorry your body aches and that you are emotionally tired. As you continue your chemo for an undetermined amount of time, just know that I believe in you.

I have said endless prayers for your well-being. I’ve cried many tears. I’ve had priesthood blessings to calm my fears. Through all of this I have come to know that we were HAPPY to come to earth and experience life’s joys and trials. You have a calmness about you as you endure so many hard things. You are patient and faithful. Many times I’ve asked Heavenly Father to just tell me if I’m going to lose you or not. When you had AML I knew you would live. It didn’t change all that you went through but I knew you would beat it. This time, as many times as I ask, I don’t receive that confirmation.  It scares me but I’ve also realized that’s not how faith works. What I do know for certain is that Heavenly Father loves you and knows your life perfectly. Just like Abinidi in the scriptures, God will protect you until your mission is through. There is something really special about you and your life the last 5 years. Jeffrey R. Holland said, “If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.” I look forward to all that you will accomplish in this life. You are such a blessing to me, to your dad, your brothers and everyone who knows you. We love your laugh and seeing you learn new things. These pictures mean so much to me. Happy Birthday Mac!